Carol McManus

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and before you finished your thought, the words that finished the sentence were coming out of the other person's mouth? Of course you have. Now the bigger question is: Have you ever been guilty of the same behavior? Probably so.

According to my friends and colleagues from other countries, this phenomenon is unique to the American culture. We are so focused on what WE want to say, that we don't take time to listen to others.

This bad habit is at best annoying but at its worst; it can jeopardize your relationship with customers, employees, colleagues, clients, and even close friends. People who notoriously and consistently dominate conversation by stepping over others are pegged as egotistical, shallow, insensitive, boring, and in the extreme, narcissistic. The fact that you have an opinion on every subject that comes up in conversation does not mean that everybody cares about your opinion. It is not logical that you are an expert on every subject. It is not possible that you have experienced something related to every story that another person tells.

So let's look at this from both sides. First some techniques for when you are a victim of the Interrupter.

1. As soon as they start talking, you STOP talking

2. When they finish their comments, do not respond. Simply smile and wait. They will either keep on going or realize their error and ask you a question.

3. If the pattern of interruption continues, gracefully and politely draw things to a conclusion. "I'm so sorry. I just realized I have a phone call to make." Or "Oh my goodness, it's getting late. I need to run." Or "It's been nice chatting with you, but I really must go."

4. If the rudeness to dominate the conversation is persistent, then you may have to resort to overt tactics. Raise your hand in the style of a crossing guard wanting traffic to stop. Say nicely but firmly, "Please let me finish my thought and then I'd love to hear what you have to say."

5. Gently correct the speaker after they have finished your sentence. "No, that's not what I was going to say. Please let me explain."

Now for those of you who recognize yourself as the Interrupter, try some of these techniques.

1. Take a breath and slowly exhale while you listen (really listen) to what the other person is saying. Don't start to talk until they have reached the period in their sentence.

2. Make a habit of asking permission to speak or offer an opinion. "That's really interesting. Do you mind if I comment?"

3. If you lapse and start to interrupt, simply stop mid-sentence. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be speaking for you. Please finish what you were saying."

4. When in doubt, stop talking. Just sit back, listen and when you do speak, phrase your words in the form of a question. "That's amazing. Can you tell me more about...?"

5. Finally, listen to your own words. If you find words phrases creeping into your vocabulary like: "I always" "I never" "I know exactly what you mean" "best" "worst" or any other variation of absolutes and extremes, then visualize a giant STOP sign in front of your face. Remind yourself that when you use these words or phrases you are challenging the other person by trumping their story with your version of always, never, best, or worst.

One of the great joys of human interchange is that we can carry on meaningful conversations through language in a way that no other species can replicate. I challenge you to do your best to keep the playing field level and make sure every exchange you have remains a two-way conversation where all parties participate and benefit.

You'll be amazed at how smart other people are and how smart you will become if you use both ears and remember you only have one mouth. The ratios really do matter!

If you would like some other reading material to help you in your communication, I recommend The Art of Talking So That People Will Listen: Getting Through to Family, Friends & Business Associates by Paul Swet or the old classic How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Have a great week and enjoy talking to your friends and colleagues!